I talk a lot about guys being retarded on this site but now I have to share the wealth.  Girls are also retarded.  My past few weeks has basically been spent analyzing text messages from boys.  (Yes, I have some things going on but haven’t written about them…I’m so bad, so bad.)  May I present exhibit A - an IM conversation between me and a friend about a text she plans to send:

It is my birthday next week.  Since I’ve been completely swamped with work, grad school applications and apartment drama, I have no love life to speak of.  Seriously, zip.  Zilch.  The beast that is my sex drive seems to have fallen asleep.  I haven’t even pulled out the hitachi in a couple of months.  I thought I would use the fact that it is my birthday and people are supposed to do nice things for me to rectify the situation.  If I don’t have the time or energy to find a man, why not have my friends bring them to me.  Here is the invite I sent out:

Hello dear friend,

I’m about to turn 27 for the second time and it would be awesome if you came out to help me celebrate.  Happy Birthday to me…again.

In a special twist this year, I’m asking for a very specific present from each guest.  Please bring that elusive creature known as a single, straight man.  Although, it helps if he’s hot, he doesn’t need to be.  There’s someone for everyone….ugly boys need love to.  Just wanted to once have a birthday that isn’t solely comprised of gay boys, straight girls and two uncomfortable looking boyfriends.  Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to have a birthday make out…or six.  Just sayin’

ANYWAY, use this as an opportunity to connect with that straight boy you work with but could never figure out a reason to hang with…or that hot downstairs neighbor…or your boyfriend’s cute friend…the possibilities are endless.  Just tell them your friend Patricia is a weirdo, albeit a hot weirdo, who is forcing you to bring a straight boy to her birthday.  I don’t mind.  Did I mention there will be tons of single ladies, and/or if he’s sexually flexible, a bunch of homosexuals?

Yours truly,

Not So Glamorous

Unfortunately, the early responses I have gotten are all along the lines of “Does straight for pay count?”, “Will it count if he is straight-acting?” and “I can bring someone if you are serious that they can be ugly.”  The party is this weekend so I’ll be sure to let you know what the outcome is.  I have a feeling I am going to get super wasted because most people are planning to buy me a drink in lieu of a man.

This latest round of mercury retrograde brought two odd communications my way from boys I “dated” during the last one.  When I stop seeing someone, I cut off all communication because, well, what’s the point?  I’m busy these days so, if you aren’t having sex with me, I’d really rather you be a gay man so we can talk about pop music.  Having not slept with both of these gents for around three months, they were completely off my radar - aside from any good stories I got from my time with them, of course.

The first to pop up was the Frenchie.  He IMed me while I was bored at work so we chatted it up for a bit, then he asked me to take a survey about a new company he was starting that helps girls figure out if a guy they are dating is a loser.  Interesting…and oddly fitting.

The second was the Spaniard.  He IMed me while I was in my kitchen waiting for 2 pounds of spinach to wilt so I went along with it.  Based on the convo, it seems he only IMed me to tell me he signed up for a cougar dating party.  Awesome…and, also oddly fitting.

Why are boys so weird?  I don’t know any girls who would IM any of their past lovers to talk about either topic.

I love Asian people.  I just don’t tend to date them.  I think it’s the whole me being a size queen thing and the fact that Asian’s don’t have the best reputation in that department that really turns me off.  Plus, I’m usually bigger than them.  That said, I have been attracted to a few in the past, I’ve just never acted on it.  My mother however is a different story.  She likes Asian guys.  She started dating them when I was in high school and when I asked about it she simply answered, “Have you ever seen what a 45 year old white man looks like?”

Last night, I was chatting with my mom about my latest unsuccessful round of speed dating.  I had no chemistry with anyone and the only two guys I enjoyed chatting with were Asian.  This was her cue to, once again, try to convince me that I’m missing out on god’s hidden gift.

Mom: You should try to date an Asian man.  They are fantastic.  They are very respectful, have good jobs and they like giving gifts.

Me: Yeah, but I’m just not feeling it…

Mom: Maybe, instead of giving it up after a few dates you could actually try to get to know someone and have them respect you.

Me: Whoa…burn, Ma.  I don’t just give it up…well, not always.

Mom: Plus, if you ever want to know where your G spot is Asians are the way to go.

Me: *silence*

AND, this is just a slice of my relationship with my mother.  That bitch is a total rice queen.

Devoted NSG reader and oft-mentioned manhuntress, KatieMadonna, is turning 30 today!  She plans to do so with grace and dignity.  If by grace and dignity she means booze and cigarettes, I’m sure she’ll succeed.  I kid, I kid…sort of. 

Happy Birthday, lady.  May we never speak of the facts of this day again.  Remember, you are only as old as you look and you have the skin of a baby seal so rejoice!

In other birthday related news, I’ve decided on the theme of my upcoming birthday party (which will be my 2nd 27th birthday).  The theme will be “help get me laid” and I’m going to ask all of my friends to bring one straight boy I’ve never met to the party in lieu of a present.  I think it’s a brilliant idea.

I watch the new 90210.  I have no taste in television.  My co-worker and I email about the show and my email to her this week was too ridiculous not to share:

So, Silver made out with Ethan on the last episode and Naomi doesn’t care because she’s still in love with Liam and too pissed at Annie to hate anyone else.  Annie didn’t actually sleep with Liam though.  It was Naomi’s sister but everyone is blaming it on Annie which is why she called the cops and got in her car with a bottle of vodka and ended up killing that dude - and I think the new, blonde guy may have witnessed that.  Not sure though.  I have no idea why Ethan went to Montana…I think he has some sort of a higher calling and realized Beverly Hills is too vain - don’t think he’s coming back though b/c the actor who played him is actually getting a bunch of movie work.  The dude Annie hooked up with last night is just some loser - I think next week’s episode is gonna be all about the photos he took.  BTW, isn’t Annie a virgin?  Or, wasn’t she a virgin?  She never slept with Ethan…

My roommate has never seen the show before and it was hilarious explaining people to him.  I was like “That’s Adriana.  She used to be a child actress and a major junkie but then she got pregnant and started dating that indian dude and they almost got married but then they didn’t and she gave the baby up.  They still haven’t had sex yet.  She’s fine now.”  “That’s Silver - she’s Kelly Taylor and David Silver’s little sister.  She used to be a mean blogger but then she started dating the black guy, but then she went crazy and showed the whole school their sex tape and she ran away but they found her and realized she wasn’t crazy, just bipolar.  She’s fine now.”  and so on, and so on.

And, yes, Liam is smoking hot.

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were having drinks this weekend at Hotel Dumonte at the table next to my friends.  If you somehow were reading this site late on Saturday night, you would have seen a drunkenly misspelled sighting.  Here are some more details:

-Apparently they smell like flowers.  (Ahh, the fresh scent of people who have professionals clean for them and do their laundry.)

-ScarJo’s ring is huge.

-ScarJo and I have the exact same physique.  (Either I have very kind friends or ScarJo’s been eating some cheese lately.)

-ScarJo’s skin was flawless and she was wearing black framed glasses.  (Note to self: need new glasses)

-They were with other people and were discussing surgery of some sort.

Don’t Talk to a Man First?  Seriously?  If I can’t get wasted and yell “Hey!” at boys from across the bar, how am I ever going to get laid?

Here is their rational for their “rule”: “By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process.”  Soooo, what they are telling me is that I can’t go talk to the sensitive, lonely looking hottie because I am supposed to be waiting around for a farting, fat asshole to ask me out because that is how it’s meant to be?  I also take issue with the whole if you talk to a man, you’ll get hurt thing.  I’ve been hurt plenty of times by guys who started talking to me first.  Life hurts and since it does, we might as well get to pick our pain and not wait for it to pick us.

But they don’t just stop there.  They go on to explain that smart, educated women think their diplomas and paychecks entitle them to “do more in life than wait for the phone to ring” and therefore “always end up heartbroken”.  Do I even need to explain my issue with this statement?

Oh and they also warn us about being forward on the dance floor.  If no one asks us to dance, we are told to “go to the bathroom five times to reapply your lipstick” and “make phone calls to your married friends for encouragement” until someone finally notices us.  I would just dance alone and do my thing and trust that the fellas will notice but I guess I’m not Rules material.  Their advice for someone like me who couldn’t go dancing and not dance is to “stay home, do situps, watch Seinfeld and reread the rules”.  Awesome.  That totally sounds like the way to get a man.  I guess I know how I’m spending my Friday night.

I think my neighbors must hate me.  They HAVE to.  Here’s why:

-When I get new music I ONLY listen to the new music.  On repeat.  While singing.

-When I get drunk alone I sing ballads in my bathroom full volume.

-A few weeks ago there was a fire in my kitchen so they evacuated the building for an hour and everyone had to sit outside and the whole building smelled like burnt rubber.

-I have puked on the steps outside the front entrance.  (Don’t think anyone saw me.)

-Last night, my friend puked in front of my door.  Both of my neighbors saw this.  Thankfully her puke was a pretty shade of red due to sangria and strawberry jelly.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have my apartment keys and therefore had no access to cleaning supplies. Then while we were waiting outside for my roommate to come home with the keys, my friend passed out in front of the entrance and I had to politely asked anyone entering the building to step over her.

They totally hate me.  Although I do provide quite a bit of gossip for all the old women in the building.  I believe I am now known as that drunk girl with the drunk friends who almost set the whole building on fire.

Be A Creature Unlike Any Other:  This is one of the few “rules” I actually agree with.  Despite all the shitty parts of being a girl (menstruation, increased susceptibility to STDs, cellulite, just out of reach orgasms), being a girl is awesome - we smell good, have great hair, soft skin, yummy curves and way more clothing options than men.  The basic idea of this rule is be a confident, radiant and interesting person.  I TOTALLY agree with that.  Guys don’t want a boring, sad and desperate girl who can’t take care of herself.  A few choice quotes from this rule in “The Rules” include “Pretend you are a movie star. Hold your head high and walk in like you just flew in from Paris.” and “Don’t show that you are nervous, even if you are.”  Ok, Rules.  You get this one…today.  Tomorrow’s a different story.  I do not agree with Rule #2.