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- The Opposite of Success
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Happy Sunday! You may have noticed the absence of last week's newsletter. I took some time to think through the strategy behind Not So Glamorous, from its structure to key themes to dream guests, and reflect on some of the lessons I've learned so far. I'm excited to be back on the regular weekly schedule and ready for a fresh start!
Without further ado, let's dive into today's topic.
I’ve been thinking a lot about success and failure lately.
Over the years, I have had many ideas that I was excited about launching.
A TikTok educating people about crypto. A haircare business focused on natural, organic oils. An Amazon store importing unique home décor from Africa and Asia.
In the beginning, I’d get really excited about these ideas. I would conduct some research and invest in the necessary tech stack to get started. Occasionally, I would take a course or two before beginning my journey of creating and building.
Unfortunately, all of these ideas would ultimately end up in the same place: over before they even began.
I would either get scared by the startup costs associated with launching a new product and starting an e-commerce business, or I would start my content creation journey and quickly give up after only two weeks due to low views.
I’d let fear take over and stop short in my tracks before I even gave myself a chance to try.
I was afraid of losing money that I had worked hard to save up. Afraid of being judged for the content I put out. Afraid of people judging me–my looks, my personality, my ideas.
But most of all, I was afraid of being rejected and failing in my endeavors.
So, I quickly stopped before any of these things could happen to me.
Does this sound familiar?
Perhaps you're dealing with these fears, or have been in similar situations in the past. Maybe you're still trying to find ways to overcome this fear, or have found solutions and come out on the other side (if so, please share your tips!).
As I talked more to my friends, family, and colleagues, I realized that we all suffer from these fears. Even Amanda Schwartz Ramirez, someone I greatly admire and who has worked as a senior executive of Business Operations & Strategy at companies like Paypal and Dapper Labs, still deals with this. She recently published a First Round Review article titled The Silent Killer of Your Operating Practice: Fear where she speaks about this. If you haven't had a chance to read it yet, I highly recommend it—it's full of insights on overcoming fears in the workplace.
As I delved deeper into this topic, I discovered a keynote speech by Alex Banayan, the author of The Third Door. I have been a fan of Alex for many years ever since I read The Third Door for the first time.
Over the last seven years, Alex Banayan has been obsessively studying success and has interviewed everyone from Bill Gates to Quincy Jones. However, it is one important lesson from his keynote speech that stuck with me:
“Most people hate their failures. They hate their mistakes. They treat them as their enemies. It’s only when you can treat your failures as your best friends, as your greatest gifts, that you can learn from them. And only then can you grow. I always thought the opposite of success was a failure. But success and failure are not opposite, but the result of the same thing: trying."
Whenever we venture into uncharted territory, it's natural to experience bouts of fear. Our bodies are programmed to react with fear when we encounter something unnatural. This emotional and physical response to the unknown is our body's survival mechanism. When fear is recognized, the amygdala activates the nervous system, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, increasing blood pressure and heart rate, and activating our fight-or-flight instincts.
Although fear is a natural and biological condition that keeps us safe, it can also debilitate us and prevent us from taking risks.
When we experience fear, we think that there is something wrong with what we’re doing. We think whatever it is we’re doing is unnatural because we’ve never done it before.
But it’s not until we internalize that success and failure are two sides of the same coin and that it’s fear that keeps us from actually trying that we’ll be able to overcome the fear of failure and take shots at a chance of success.
Nature vs. Nurture
As I delved deeper into the topic, I began to ponder about how we arrived at this point.
It is known that fear is the natural response of our body to the unknown, but what if there is more to it?
What if it is not just nature that drives us in this direction, but the way we were raised?
From a young age, we are taught that in school, we either succeed or fail.
We learn early on that everything we do is tied to a number or a grade, and that if we perform well, we get an A; if we do okay, we get a B; if we do poorly but still pass, we get a C. And if we fail, we receive a D or an F.
While the ultimate goal of education should be intrinsic (to encourage students to focus on learning), we are given extrinsic motivators to measure our efforts (the grading system) which ultimately leads us to focus more on the extrinsic motivators than the intrinsic ones.
Instead of focusing on learning, we aim to get good grades in school in order to succeed and avoid failure. Often, this means focusing on memorization and regurgitation of tried-and-true metrics to achieve an A, rather than focusing on the learning experience.
During my study abroad semester in Berlin, my German teacher said to me, "Sabrina, for some reason, you always seem to get the best grades in class, but when I ask you a simple question in German, you don't seem to understand it."
While I knew exactly what to memorize and study in order to ace a test, when it came to utilizing what I had learned more practically, I failed miserably. If you asked me any grammar question, I could answer it perfectly, but if you asked me to articulate my thoughts on Berlin's architecture in German, I couldn't form a coherent sentence.
This desire to avoid failure and achieve success remains with us throughout our academic journey, from higher education to our entry into the workforce.
Due to our fear of failure in getting that A, acceptance into an exclusive club, or job offer, we try to optimize for success by following the tried-and-true methods utilized by those who were successful before us, rather than attempting new techniques that may lead to failure.
In Gerald E. Knesek’s Harvard Business article “Why Focusing on Grades Is a Barrier to Learning”, Knesek argues:
“From my experience in the classroom, our current paradigm based on grades creates an environment in which students fear the possibility of failure rather than focusing on the possibility of learning. Students are afraid to speak up, ask questions, and make mistakes for fear that it will impact their grades.But when classes are structured as learning laboratories—like they are at Montessori schools—and students aren’t penalized for exploring new methods, making mistakes, asking questions, or admitting failure, they become more creative and self-directed. They seem to open up and thrive when asked to write one-page reflections and implication papers about what the concepts or materials mean to them. In many such classes, students appear to be having fun while they are working on class exercises and engaging in active discussions related to the topic presented.”
When we’re given the freedom to fail and aren’t penalized for it, we’re actually encouraged to achieve better success.
When we’re given the space to experiment and explore and make mistakes, we become more creative, and we actually perform better.
And not only that, but we actually have a more enjoyable experience doing so. By reducing our stress levels regarding asking questions or admitting failure, the anxiety surrounding our risk of failure disappears. Consequently, we can finally enjoy our experiences and learn from our mistakes.
How to Combat the Fear of Failure and Achieve Success
Now that we have analyzed our fears and where they stem from, let’s take a look at some steps we can follow to mitigate the fear of failure and increase our chances of success.
1. Put yourself in uncomfortable or unknown situations.
It's important to recognize the value of pursuing uncomfortable or unknown situations. Though fear may be holding us back from achieving greatness, the only way to overcome it is to put ourselves in more of these situations where we may feel afraid or uncomfortable. This gradually desensitizes us to the fear and discomfort, making us more comfortable in these settings and allowing us to finally conquer our fears.
2. Focus on learning first.
When starting out, throw all your measures and metrics out the window. Instead of focusing on how many views, subscriptions, or sales you're getting, focus on creating consistent, high-quality content and products by learning what's working and not working for you.
The more time you spend building and creating, and figuring out what's great versus what's not so great, the more easily you'll be able to build a good foundation. Once you've got this bit down, then you can focus on iteration and growth.
3. Action > analysis.
While planning and analysis are great, focusing on actions will help you get to your desired results more quickly. It's not until we're able to create something and put it out there that we can start getting more feedback and improving our craft.
A finished product is always better than no product.
4. Get started and keep trying.
If you do something consistently over time and actually keep trying, you're bound to see some results. And it's not until you see the results that you will have the confidence to keep trying. Even the smallest result can help you stay in the game. Once you start seeing these small results, you start telling yourself "Hmm, maybe I can do this after all" and you gain the confidence to keep trying.
5. “Because I must.”
My sister recently shared with me Natalie Miller’s podcast episode titled “A Spell for Taking Action Already”.
One thing that stood out to me in Natalie’s podcast is the concept of summoning the courage to do something by focusing on why you must do it, instead of why you can't do it.
When this intriguing impulse comes back around,
don’t squash it down, push it aside, or let it dissipate.
Think about why you feel like you can’t do it.
And let that can’t guide you to the reasons why you must.
So, why you can't is why you must.
Because you're so busy working a salaried job and don't have time to pursue your side hustle that could ultimately free you from your 9-to-5 job is why you must do it.
Because you're so fed up working for a toxic manager that makes your life miserable is why you must build outside income streams that will allow you to survive on your own when the toxicity becomes too much to handle.
Because you're so self-conscious about putting your content in the world is why you must do it in order to share your ideas with others and start interesting discourses.
Because you must give yourself a chance to see what you can accomplish if you try.
Because you must.
Alright, that’s a wrap for today!
Until next time,
Sabrina
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🌊 Dive Deeper
Amanda Schwartz Ramirez's article, The Silent Killer of Your Operating Practice: Fear, is a must-read.
Amanda recently started a newsletter, Thinking in Quarters, which discusses strategy and operations at scaling companies, and the reality of implementing best practices. Her many years of experience in the field make for an insightful and delightful read every time!
Check out Alex Banayan's keynote speech that inspired this post: Overcoming Fear and Taking the Third Door.
I'm a big fan of Natalie Miller's podcast, Mind Witchery. She breaks down complex topics into brilliant and astute frameworks, and her voice is so soothing.
I recently discovered this visual book summary of James Clear's "Atomic Habits". Sign me up for anything that has clear visuals and breaks down concepts into tangible graphics!