Don’t Talk to a Man First?  Seriously?  If I can’t get wasted and yell “Hey!” at boys from across the bar, how am I ever going to get laid?

Here is their rational for their “rule”: “By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process.”  Soooo, what they are telling me is that I can’t go talk to the sensitive, lonely looking hottie because I am supposed to be waiting around for a farting, fat asshole to ask me out because that is how it’s meant to be?  I also take issue with the whole if you talk to a man, you’ll get hurt thing.  I’ve been hurt plenty of times by guys who started talking to me first.  Life hurts and since it does, we might as well get to pick our pain and not wait for it to pick us.

But they don’t just stop there.  They go on to explain that smart, educated women think their diplomas and paychecks entitle them to “do more in life than wait for the phone to ring” and therefore “always end up heartbroken”.  Do I even need to explain my issue with this statement?

Oh and they also warn us about being forward on the dance floor.  If no one asks us to dance, we are told to “go to the bathroom five times to reapply your lipstick” and “make phone calls to your married friends for encouragement” until someone finally notices us.  I would just dance alone and do my thing and trust that the fellas will notice but I guess I’m not Rules material.  Their advice for someone like me who couldn’t go dancing and not dance is to “stay home, do situps, watch Seinfeld and reread the rules”.  Awesome.  That totally sounds like the way to get a man.  I guess I know how I’m spending my Friday night.

Be A Creature Unlike Any Other:  This is one of the few “rules” I actually agree with.  Despite all the shitty parts of being a girl (menstruation, increased susceptibility to STDs, cellulite, just out of reach orgasms), being a girl is awesome - we smell good, have great hair, soft skin, yummy curves and way more clothing options than men.  The basic idea of this rule is be a confident, radiant and interesting person.  I TOTALLY agree with that.  Guys don’t want a boring, sad and desperate girl who can’t take care of herself.  A few choice quotes from this rule in “The Rules” include “Pretend you are a movie star. Hold your head high and walk in like you just flew in from Paris.” and “Don’t show that you are nervous, even if you are.”  Ok, Rules.  You get this one…today.  Tomorrow’s a different story.  I do not agree with Rule #2.

And…we’re back. Sorry for the complete and utter lack of posting. You see, I’ve been living in the midst of some sort of a cosmic black hole for the past few weeks. Everything that could go wrong went really, really wrong. There was even a fire in my apartment! In lieu of venting my frustrations on NSG, I chose to deal with the stress by finding solace in booze, cigarettes and lots of nachos. Don’t judge…

While I was sitting in my dark, burnt rubber scented apartment drunk off my ass with nacho cheese remnants on my face and a cigarette in my hand, our Brokedown Bachelorette finally met a guy she liked and decided to give up her quest to go on 30 dates. It was a valiant effort. I bid her a fond adieu…

Anyway, I am back on the ball and will be posting again on the regular. As a sort of welcome back present for my readers, I’m going to launch a new daily feature on the blog. Do you remember that awful, awful book “The Rules”? You know the “simple set of dos and don’ts” the goal of which is “marriage, in the shortest time possible”. Someone got it for me as a gift 10 years ago and I found it hidden in the back of my bookshelf and thought we could have some fun with it. So, I will post a new rule everyday and give it the Not So Glamorous treatment. Let’s have fun with this. I expect to see some comments!