• I want to be photoshopped.  Look at how much good it did for Kim Kardashian.  I think I might actually be skinnier than her.  Hmm.  They should release the un-photoshopped pics of all the stars.  It would definitely help improve the psyche of the real American female.  I know I feel better already.
• Robert Pattinson is smelly.  According to a staffer on New Moon, “He stinks.  I mean, its awful.  He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.  He completely reeks.”  Normally, body odor is grounds for immediate dismissal in my book but I think I could forgive someone that looks like Robert Pattinson (seriously, did you see the GQ pics?).  I’m guessing he probably smells like stale cigarettes, last night’s alcohol and musky B.O. accented with just a hint of mildewy clothes - nothing a little vaporub on your top lip couldn’t fix.
• In other Robert Pattinson news, he was accidentally hit in the head by a metal sign on the set.  He was briefly knocked out but got up and took it like a champ.  Never fear, the only outward sign of trauma is a bump on the back of his head.
• Madonna must have finished sucking the youth out of Jesus because she dropped him like a b!tch.
• Sean Penn and Natalie Portman?  The two were seen having dinner at a hotel on St. Patrick’s Day.  That’s innocent.  Oh wait, they were also seen making out and getting on an elevator that only goes to the spa and hotel rooms.  Why does Robin Wright-Penn stay with him?  This is not the life I conceived for Buttercup.
• David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have reconciled.
• Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves might be engaged.  She was seen sporting a rock on her finger during a family outing the other day.  She is Brazilian (aka most likely Catholic). I would imagine her family put some pressure on them to get hitched during their recent visit.
• Prince Harry might be back with Chelsy Davy.  She must have a magical vagina because he keeps going back to her.  I was going to suggest she lets him do nasty, dirty (aka anal) things to her but then I remembered that he’s hot, he’s rich and he’s a prince so it shouldn’t be a problem for him to get any girl to flip over and ask for more.
• Miss Cleo is a lesbian.  Didn’t know that.  She also does voodoo.  Just letting you know.  I don’t make snarky comments about lesbian voodoo priestesses.

Daily Celeb Round-up

Ex-Files: As you saw in my post yesterday and subsequent update today, the Daily Mail falsely reported a story about David Duchovny having an affair with his tennis coach.  Now, it is being reporting that DD is going to sue the Daily Mail for the article.  I’ve been around the gossip block long enough to know the difference between an actor saying they are going to sue and actually sueing.  If they say it and never end up suing, it usually means the story is true.  If they actually sue, it’s false.  I’m not sure what I think in this case.  I guess we’ll just have to keep an eye to see if he actually follows through on the suing threat.  I’ll keep you posted.  BTW…I am so much more interested in this divorce than that other one I’m not talking about.

Baby News:  There is so much baby news out there right now that it’s enough to make a lady feel like she needs to stop making her mansluts double bag it.  Here’s the baby run down:

• Gillian Anderson popped out a baby boy named Feliz Griffiths last week.  I wonder if DD had time to send a gift basket?
• In Touch Weekly is reporting that Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley are planning to adopt a baby from Korea.  Take this with a grain of salt though because I find that mag to be one of the least accurate.  That said, I do love Koreans.
• Lil Wayne made his baby announcement via a shout out to his unborn son at the BET Hip Hop awards.
• Jenna Jameson is expecting twins with UFC champ Tito Ortiz.  This is actually old news but I thought maybe you guys weren’t as on top of your porn star news as I am.
• Not that I believe this one either, but rumors are floating around that Madonna thinks A-Rod is a great specimen and wants to have his baby.
• Billie Piper gave birth to Winston James Fox.  I didn’t even know she was pregnant.

Daily Celeb Round Up

David Duchovny has been having an affair with his 28 year old tennis instructor. She all but confirmed it in an interview with the Daily Mail. What a stupid, stupid biznatch! I’m sorry, but if I was banging Fox Mulder, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to talk about it with the media. That pretty much guarantees that he is never going to go near her snatch again. Oh, and there are pictures of her and she is certainly not cute enough to be throwing away opportunities like this. I suppose I’m a little sensitive about someone squandering a chance to do the nasty with David Duchovny because he was my pretend boyfriend for about three years in high school. (I was a band nerd who only dated men who later went on to date other men…except the one who became a woman but we’ll save that for another post.)  UPDATE: E! Online is reporting that the Daily Mail story is false.  Duchovny’s lawyer told E! that he has a signed declaration under penalty of perjury where the tennis instructor states she did not ride the peen.

Get ready for another example of the media’s unfair treatment of my girl Jennifer Aniston. The broke down Australian version of US Weekly (it’s called NW) is reporting that the only reason Jennifer Aniston got back with John Mayer is because she’s pregnant. First of all, if this was true, this would be HUGE news and the source would be able to sell it somewhere in the western hemisphere where it would actually get read by people other than the gossip obsessed folks like me. Secondly, if she is pregnant we have to remember she’s richer than god and doesn’t need to take a man back because of it. I still firmly stand by my belief that she took him back cause he is a stallion in the sheets with a stallion sized c*ck.  For the detractors out there, I still challenge you to send me those stories of her being an awful person to work with.  

To my reader’s in Florida: BEWARE! Nick Hogan gets out of jail tomorrow. I’m sure his license is suspended but based on the genius track record of that family, I would still watch my back on the roads.

Daily Celeb Round-Up

Ex-Files:  David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are getting divorced.  The surprising thing here is that he dumped her for getting sexy text messages from Billy Bob Thorton.  Isn’t that a case of the sex-addict calling the kettle black?

In light of the divorce news, the rumors about Madonna and A-Rod dating are swirling again.  Let’s hope she remembers the pre-nup this time.

Spears News:  It’s been a while since I’ve reported on the goings on in everyone’s favorite Bayou Clan.  I think the fact that her “Womanizer” video didn’t look like Preston and J.J. made it dumbfounded me into silence for a few days.  In extremely good news for our girl B, the track just broke records by jumping from #96 to #1.  She also beat Mariah Carey’s record for first week download sales for a female artist.   This is huge, y’all. She has also hired a company to start the early phases of planning her world tour!

Not that you care but, Lisa Bonet is very pregnant.

On the Today Show this morning, Angelina said that Brangelina are going to adopt another kid.  I think what they do is awesome and worthy of their godlike status, but shouldn’t you wait til you are done breastfeeding your twins before you go kid shopping?  Just aksin’.

City Sighting! For the two of you who remember her, Fatima from the last cycle of ANTM (the one that looks like a broke down version of Iman) was spotted at a midtown Chipotle location.  Our spotters noticed two interesting things: 1 - she was getting food at Chipotle (disclaimer: no one saw her eat it) and 2 - she’s much shorter than a model should be.