Wow, this is my 100th and final thing about me.  It’s a lot of pressure.  Let’s make it a good one.

No other person has ever given me an orgasm.  It’s one of the sadder aspects of my existence but I’m not ashamed about it.  I think it’s a very common thing that women don’t tend to talk about.  It doesn’t mean I enjoy sex any less- I LOVE LOVE LOVE sex - and I can still finish, I just need to provide some assistance.  Oh, and I’ve never faked an orgasm.  I don’t see the point.  Why make a man think he’s doing an A+ job when it’s really a B-?  Besides, if he knows anything about a woman, he should be able to tell when she’s faking.

I had the best Barbie collection as a kid.  I think my mom felt bad that we were always moving and I had to make new friends all the time.  It was amazing and included the powder blue Corvette, the Ice Cream Shoppe and a performance stage for my rock star Barbie.  I also had two Jem dolls (one with straight hair and one with curly hair), and all of the New Kids on the Block.  Sometimes my Barbies would dance naked on the performance stage for the New Kids.  Jem was a little bigger than the other dolls so she was like the big lesbian bouncer at the strip club.  Needless to say, I was a special child who was allowed to watch whatever I wanted to on TV.

God gave me insomnia.  And, no, this isn’t some weird christian “god creates everything and gives me this cross to bear” bullsh!t.  I went through a religious phase when I was in Catholic school.  Around the age of 11, I started praying before bed.  I prayed for the usual suspects - my family, friends and puppy - but soon decided that wasn’t enough so I started praying for all the homeless dogs in the world, all the endagered species, people with cancer, poor people, etc. etc.  The list just kept growing and growing and I ended up pray for hours, not because I was necessarily worried about everything on the list but because I was worried about how awful and guilty I would feel if anything bad happened to someone or something I didn’t pray for.  I eventually realized it was a problem and I was able to wean myself off of it but I never slept the same since.  I guess God didn’t give me insomnia, Catholic guilt did.

For a year of my life, I was a professional bellydancer.  I belonged to a legitimate dance troupe that performed at restaurants, bar mitvahs, weddings and anniversaries.  This is probably the most random thing about me.

I spent my 21st birthday getting lapdances in a tacky Queens strip club called Scandals with all my guy friends.  I wouldn’t have spent it any other way.

I’m an excellent cook.  Aside from not having regular sex, cooking for someone else is one of the biggest things I miss about being in a relationship.

I really want  a Trans Am.  I know they are tacky but if I made a bunch of money and could buy a Trans Am from the 80s I would be a very happy person.

I saw my first porno when I was 6 1/2 years old.

Before you start to think my mom was negligent, let me explain.  It was one of those free weekends of HBO so my mom let me invite my best friend over to watch one of the kid friendly movies they were playing.  My friend and I fell asleep watching the movie with the TV on.  Always a bit of an insomniac, I woke up around 2am and a live version of the movie Cinderella was starting on HBO so I settled in to watch it.  This was back when HBO was more like Cinemax.  Cinderella turned out to be a soft core porn.  I have some very vivid images seared into my brain from that night.  It was pretty much the story of Cinderella with a few exceptions:

-Instead of a fairy godmother, it was a black man.  He was going through all the rich people’s houses stealing stuff while they were at the ball.  When he breaks into Cinderella’s house, she automatically thinks he’s her fairy godfather because he’s carrying a magic wand he stole from a real fairy.  After giving her the Cinderella makeover he sticks the wand somewhere to give her a special talent.

-At the ball, instead of dancing with the girls, the prince takes them to a back room and, ya know.  Cinderella is the best girl of the bunch.

-Instead of having all the women try on a shoe, the prince has to sleep with all the women in the town.  He only recognized Cinderella because of her “special” gift.

And you wonder how I turned out this way.

One of my happiest childhood memories is when I got my first dog, Crosby.  He belonged to some friends of my mom and I would play with him often.  One night, I’m lying in bed about to fall asleep and the door to my bedroom opens up and Crosby comes bounding in a jumps on my bed.  Hooray!  My mom and her friends where standing in the hallway and they told me Crosby was mine.  Definitely in my top 5 happiest moments ever.

PS - The dog was named after David Crosby but I was 6 so I thought they meant to name him after Bill Cosby but got it wrong and kept the mistake.  It wasn’t until many years later that I finally put two and two together.

I tend to internalize things and take them way too seriously.