It is my birthday next week.  Since I’ve been completely swamped with work, grad school applications and apartment drama, I have no love life to speak of.  Seriously, zip.  Zilch.  The beast that is my sex drive seems to have fallen asleep.  I haven’t even pulled out the hitachi in a couple of months.  I thought I would use the fact that it is my birthday and people are supposed to do nice things for me to rectify the situation.  If I don’t have the time or energy to find a man, why not have my friends bring them to me.  Here is the invite I sent out:

Hello dear friend,

I’m about to turn 27 for the second time and it would be awesome if you came out to help me celebrate.  Happy Birthday to me…again.

In a special twist this year, I’m asking for a very specific present from each guest.  Please bring that elusive creature known as a single, straight man.  Although, it helps if he’s hot, he doesn’t need to be.  There’s someone for everyone….ugly boys need love to.  Just wanted to once have a birthday that isn’t solely comprised of gay boys, straight girls and two uncomfortable looking boyfriends.  Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to have a birthday make out…or six.  Just sayin’

ANYWAY, use this as an opportunity to connect with that straight boy you work with but could never figure out a reason to hang with…or that hot downstairs neighbor…or your boyfriend’s cute friend…the possibilities are endless.  Just tell them your friend Patricia is a weirdo, albeit a hot weirdo, who is forcing you to bring a straight boy to her birthday.  I don’t mind.  Did I mention there will be tons of single ladies, and/or if he’s sexually flexible, a bunch of homosexuals?

Yours truly,

Not So Glamorous

Unfortunately, the early responses I have gotten are all along the lines of “Does straight for pay count?”, “Will it count if he is straight-acting?” and “I can bring someone if you are serious that they can be ugly.”  The party is this weekend so I’ll be sure to let you know what the outcome is.  I have a feeling I am going to get super wasted because most people are planning to buy me a drink in lieu of a man.