Don’t Talk to a Man First?  Seriously?  If I can’t get wasted and yell “Hey!” at boys from across the bar, how am I ever going to get laid?

Here is their rational for their “rule”: “By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process.”  Soooo, what they are telling me is that I can’t go talk to the sensitive, lonely looking hottie because I am supposed to be waiting around for a farting, fat asshole to ask me out because that is how it’s meant to be?  I also take issue with the whole if you talk to a man, you’ll get hurt thing.  I’ve been hurt plenty of times by guys who started talking to me first.  Life hurts and since it does, we might as well get to pick our pain and not wait for it to pick us.

But they don’t just stop there.  They go on to explain that smart, educated women think their diplomas and paychecks entitle them to “do more in life than wait for the phone to ring” and therefore “always end up heartbroken”.  Do I even need to explain my issue with this statement?

Oh and they also warn us about being forward on the dance floor.  If no one asks us to dance, we are told to “go to the bathroom five times to reapply your lipstick” and “make phone calls to your married friends for encouragement” until someone finally notices us.  I would just dance alone and do my thing and trust that the fellas will notice but I guess I’m not Rules material.  Their advice for someone like me who couldn’t go dancing and not dance is to “stay home, do situps, watch Seinfeld and reread the rules”.  Awesome.  That totally sounds like the way to get a man.  I guess I know how I’m spending my Friday night.

Be A Creature Unlike Any Other:  This is one of the few “rules” I actually agree with.  Despite all the shitty parts of being a girl (menstruation, increased susceptibility to STDs, cellulite, just out of reach orgasms), being a girl is awesome - we smell good, have great hair, soft skin, yummy curves and way more clothing options than men.  The basic idea of this rule is be a confident, radiant and interesting person.  I TOTALLY agree with that.  Guys don’t want a boring, sad and desperate girl who can’t take care of herself.  A few choice quotes from this rule in “The Rules” include “Pretend you are a movie star. Hold your head high and walk in like you just flew in from Paris.” and “Don’t show that you are nervous, even if you are.”  Ok, Rules.  You get this one…today.  Tomorrow’s a different story.  I do not agree with Rule #2.

Dear NSG,

I really want to cheat on my boyfriend. We’ve been together, happily, for almost six months and the urge just keeps getting stronger. I’ve fooled around with a couple other guys, but I haven’t officially cheated yet. My mind keeps wandering and I don’t know how to stop it, or if I should even try to stop it… or if the only way to stop it is to just give in. What should I do?

Unfaithfully Thinking

Dear Unfaithfully Thinking,

Don’t cheat.  It’s one of my few life rules.  There’s really no point to cheating.  It’s messy, stressful, never really ends well, and someone always gets hurt.  Just don’t do it.  It’s not worth it.  Plus, who wants to be labeled a cheater?

Let’s address the whole wandering mind thing.  There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about or, even flirting with other people.  In fact, both of those things can help your sex life with your boyfriend.  You get all hot and bothered thinking about that scruffy guy at the bar and then you go home and f*ck the sh!t out of your boyfriend.  I would have no problem with my dude flirting with some sluts at a club if it meant that when he came home he threw me on the bed, pulled my hair, treated me like a dirty whore and rode me til dawn.  It’s really a win-win when you think about it. Let your mind wander, not your sexual organs.

Now, you are probably thinking that what you just read makes sense BUT you still kind of want to have sex with someone else.  Let me remind you that while the fantasy of sex with a stranger is hot, the experience is usually not.  I mean, how many times have you made out with a hot dude only to take him home and find out he’s got a four inch penis and he still has problems keeping it up or, if he does get it up, it only last for a couple of minutes?  It is a chance I’m usually willing to take…just not when I’m with someone else.  If you aren’t in a relationship and have bad casual sex, all you really lost was some sleep and maybe a teensy bit of self-respect.  If you are in a relationship, you run the risk of losing so much more.

In the end, don’t cheat.  If you can’t resist the urge to do it, find out his opinion on open relationships and/or break up with him.

Faithfully yours,

NSG

Do you disagree?  Post a comment!

Want some advice?  That’s great because I love giving it.  Send your questions to nsg@notsoglamorous.com

Dear NSG,

I’m gay and have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.  We have sex regularly, and the sex is good, but I still haven’t been totally honest with him.   I’m much kinkier than I’ve ever told him, like really really kinky, and I’m too embarrassed to tell him and I’m afraid he’ll judge me .  I know I should just tell him, but I don’t know how.  Help!!

Closeted Kink

Fortify yourself and him with a couple of drinks and tell him.  But, don’t backpedal and pretend you were joking if he doesn’t respond exactly how you would like.  Give him some time to process it.  He might immediately recoil from it but after giving it some thought he might realize that it’s not such a big deal and he loves you and is willing to do this to make you happy.  I’m not particularly kinky (that I know of) but I would give just about anything other than scatplay a try if it’s what my partner needs to feel sexually content.  Now, that said, I don’t want to give you false hope.  He might not be able to deal with it and, if not, the relationship is kind of doomed anyway.  You have a fetish and you will eventually resent not being able to freely explore it, leading you to go off and seek it elsewhere.  So, my advice is to just tell him and see what happens.  Give him sometime to get comfortable with the kink.  And, who knows, maybe he’s got a kink or two of his own that he’s been keeping from you.  Open communication is the key to turn good sex into great sex.

My own boyfriend doesn’t want to friend me on facebook because its his policy. It makes me wonder if there’s something shady but I trust him…other people find it weird that I’m okay with it. Am I f*cked up?  People keep bugging me about it but I really don’t care and wish I didn’t friend my exes.

First, let me say you aren’t f*cked up.  I reserve the term f*cked up for things that are truly f*cked up like having sex with goats or me on a Friday night after ten tequilas.  This is not f*cked up.  And, if you don’t care and you trust him, there is no problem.  That said, I would be just a little suspicious about this.  I get that he has a policy to not “friend” chicks he dates, but you said you are his girlfriend.  What’s the problem with adding you as a friend?  I TOTALLY think it’s a great policy not to put a relationship status up on Facebook- one I would adhere to as well if, ya know, I somehow managed to convince a boy that I’m girlfriend material - because then you have to remove it if things don’t work out and people feel the need to comment on it, blah blah bah.  But, adding someone as a friend isn’t a big deal.

At the end of the day, if you don’t care then tell people to shut their mouths and worry about their own issues.  If you do care, ask him what the big deal is and tell him you aren’t asking for him to list you as his girlfriend.  You just want him to add you as a friend because, frankly, if he can add that weird girl who sat behind him in 8th grade, he can add his girlfriend.  Hope this helps!

Need some advice?  Send your questions to nsg@notsoglamorous.com

I know a lot about sex.  It’s my favorite thing to talk about, read about, etc. etc.  And, not just straight sex, either.  You won’t meet another girl who can have an in depth conversation about the best kind of lube for anal sex with a room of 10 gay men quite like I can.  As a result of my vast knowldge, I’ve offered up my service for sex and dating advice whenever NSG readers need it.  If you have any burning questions, email me at nsg@notsoglamorous.com.  Here’s a literally burning question I’ve just received from a reader.

NSG,

About a month ago I broke up with my ex.  Afterward I tried to fill the void (and bolster my self-esteem) by having a number of one night stands.  The negative to this over-use is that it has left my member chafed and possibly… infected?  I get the STD results back this week, but needless to say I’m already freaking.  Assuming a positive result, should I tell all the one night stands?  How should I drop the news?  Anonymously? In a text?  In person?

I could use your expert advice,
Chafed

Dear Chafed,

First - stop having any kind of sexual contact until you find out the results!  You sound like you are being responsible about this so you’ve probably already stopped, but I had to throw it out there.  Until you get your results back, that’s pretty much all you can do - that and wear loose, soft, cotton underwear to let your junk breathe.  If the results come back negative, put on whatever cream the doc suggests and do yourself a favor and continue to abstain until you are smooth again.  You would hate to bring someone home and have them think you have an STD - and they WILL think it’s an STD even if you explain the whole “chafed” thing - then have them spread it around that you are a dirty, disease infested whore vs. your reality of being a clean, D&D free whore.  That kind of rumor could totally cramp your sex life.

Second - If the results come back positive, you have to tell your lovers.  It’s the socially responsible thing to do.  I’m not sure if you are gay or straight, but a lot of the “not a big deal for men” STDs (like chlamydia) can cause serious problems, including infertility, in women if they aren’t treated soon enough.  Even if your partners are men, there are a lot of folks on the DL that could be putting women at risk.  If you don’t want to have a bunch of awkward conversations, there is this great site called inspot.org that will send free ecards, anonymously or not, to your sexual partners.  My favorite one is below.  It also provides the recipients with links to testing centers nearby.

Hope this helped!

NSG