Devoted NSG reader and oft-mentioned manhuntress, KatieMadonna, is turning 30 today!  She plans to do so with grace and dignity.  If by grace and dignity she means booze and cigarettes, I’m sure she’ll succeed.  I kid, I kid…sort of. 

Happy Birthday, lady.  May we never speak of the facts of this day again.  Remember, you are only as old as you look and you have the skin of a baby seal so rejoice!

In other birthday related news, I’ve decided on the theme of my upcoming birthday party (which will be my 2nd 27th birthday).  The theme will be “help get me laid” and I’m going to ask all of my friends to bring one straight boy I’ve never met to the party in lieu of a present.  I think it’s a brilliant idea.

And…we’re back. Sorry for the complete and utter lack of posting. You see, I’ve been living in the midst of some sort of a cosmic black hole for the past few weeks. Everything that could go wrong went really, really wrong. There was even a fire in my apartment! In lieu of venting my frustrations on NSG, I chose to deal with the stress by finding solace in booze, cigarettes and lots of nachos. Don’t judge…

While I was sitting in my dark, burnt rubber scented apartment drunk off my ass with nacho cheese remnants on my face and a cigarette in my hand, our Brokedown Bachelorette finally met a guy she liked and decided to give up her quest to go on 30 dates. It was a valiant effort. I bid her a fond adieu…

Anyway, I am back on the ball and will be posting again on the regular. As a sort of welcome back present for my readers, I’m going to launch a new daily feature on the blog. Do you remember that awful, awful book “The Rules”? You know the “simple set of dos and don’ts” the goal of which is “marriage, in the shortest time possible”. Someone got it for me as a gift 10 years ago and I found it hidden in the back of my bookshelf and thought we could have some fun with it. So, I will post a new rule everyday and give it the Not So Glamorous treatment. Let’s have fun with this. I expect to see some comments!

I am so, so, so incredibly sorry with a cherry on top for my general lack of posting lately.  Just got back from a vacation and have been working on some potentially very exciting grown up stuff.  I get my not so grown up and very unglamorous life back next week and I’ve already got a date lined up so hopefully I’ll have some juicy stuff for you.  In the meantime, if you want to get a little more personal, join me on Twitter.  I still don’t fully understand it but if you want to follow the hot mess that is my life in near real time and far too much detail, FOLLOW ME!  Some British chick has the full NotSoGlamorous handle so I had to settle on NotSoGlam.  Bitch.

http://twitter.com/notsoglam

Not So Glamorous is taking it to the open road.  I’m about to embark on a week and a half cross country drive.  We’re going old school and not bringing laptops so NSG posting will be minimal to none.  Hopefully I’ll get enough cross country booty to give you a wealth of posts when I return - my fingers are personally crossed for a cowboy in Texas.  Never fear though because our very own Brokedown Bachelorette has been dating up a storm and will be posting her adventure while I’m gone.

As we I write this, Robert Pattinson is filming in the West Village…and I’m not there! Shoot me now. One of the few days of the year that I am not in the village and my favorite dirty British boy is there.

My spys are trying to get pictures. They say he’s very, very pretty in person. If you are around go see him! He’s on Washington Place & University.

I’m so upset that I didn’t get to see this with my own eyes. Although it’s probably for the best because I may have exploded.

I’m going on a cruise with one of my many gay husbands so don’t expect any posts until Tuesday.  While you are at work, killing time by trying to find something on the internet you haven’t already read I’ll be on a boat with “real America”  aka a bunch of fat people.  I enjoy “real Americans” because for when I’m around them I feel skinny and have zero guilt about ordering two entrees after I’ve had a pre-dinner snack at the pizza buffet.

It’s not yet 8pm on a Friday night and I’ve had another woman’s hands in my lady parts, fed baby food to my cat and finished off a bottle of wine. Line up gentlemen, we’ve got a winner over here.

Editor’s note: The woman was my gyno lest you think I’m a lezzie.

Although I don’t discuss it much, I have an actual job that pays me to do stuff other than sit at my desk while hung over and reading gossip blogs.  Some shizz went down at work this week and now I have a bunch of stuff to do.  Never fear, I’ll be back on Monday, if not tomorrow.  For today, I leave you with cute pictures of hedgehogs.  I really want a hedgehog.

Before we get to the gossip, I have to apologize for my lack of posting lately.  It was a crazy week last week, but I promise I’ve got some good stories coming your way.  Stay tuned!

• It is with great sadness that I pass along the announcement of Peter Andre and Katie Price’s separation.  In case you don’t know who they are, that’s their wedding photo above.  I sh!t you not.  That’s actually them, not wax or miniature models of them.  These are the same people who named their daughter Princess Tiaamii.  For realz.  They are ridiculous and I love them for it.  Their reality show was pure genious.  I’m really disheartened by this news.  If these two crazy kids can’t make it work, who can?
• Speaking of ridiculous, Heidi Klum and Seal celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary with a white trash themed wedding.  It’s sickeningly sweet that they renew their wedding vows every year.  They actually seem in love.  Oh, and in case you were dying to know - Heidi is pregnant with a girl.
• Both Tobey Maguire and Howie from the Backstreet Boys had sons over the weekend.  They didn’t have the sons - their female counterparts did, but you get my drift.
• Boy George got out of prison early for good behavior.
• Amy Winehouse “performed” at a jazz festival in St. Lucia.  It went as disastrously as you are imagining.
• Congrats to our girl, Britney Spears!  She successfully completed the North American leg of her tour this weekend.  Not many people thought she’d actually do it.  Shout out to Papa Spears for facilitating the whole thing.

• The atrocity above is why you are NEVER EVER bitchy to your fashion gay.  Madonna’s outfit is so atrocious, it couldn’t have been done on accident. EVERYTHING is wrong with it.  That thing on her head could only be invented by a gay man done wrong.  That, or she let David Banda dress her.
• Beyonce wants to play Eartha Kitt in a biopic of her life.  As Whitney would say, Hell to Mother F-ing No!  Beyonce thinks she’s fierce, Eartha was the definition of fierce.  Bitch needs to step off.
• Cheryl Cole got bit by a crazed fan.  This really is the week of the crazed fan.
• Paula Adbul says she’s sixth months sober now.  Right, and I’m 6 hours sober.  Actually, I believe her.  That is, I believe her if her definition of sobriety is switching from taking her Vicodin with Grey Goose to white wine.